Sure the Holidays are supposed to be filled with merriment and cheer, but not all Christmas songs are. Here are our selections of some seriously depressing Yuletide jams for all you Grinchies out there.
10) “Last Christmas” - Wham - In this Christmas classic,
George Michael and that other guy revisit that time when a girl they liked didn’t like them back so they went home and cried. But “this year, to save me from tears, I’ll give it to someone special.” BURN! Check out this amazingly 80’s music video featuring an awkward couples retreat.
9) “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” - U2 - Poor
Bono. It’s Christmas time, he’s busted up and alone. (Seems somewhat fitting for his current condition - ba-dum ching)
8) “Merry Christmas (I Don’t Want To Fight Tonight)” - The Ramones - It wouldn’t be a punk rock christmas without family, booze and fighting! But
Joey Ramone doesn’t want to fight tonight. C’mon baby, it’s Christmas.
7) “Christmas In Prison” - John Prine - I’m not sure Christmas gets much lower than this. (Embedding was even depressingly disabled for this clip, but you can check it out
here.)
6) “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” - Bing Crosby - First recorded in 1943, this somber tune is sung as a letter from a soldier overseas in WWII to his family with hopes of coming home for Christmas, “if only in my dreams.” It was originally rejected by the music industry because the content was too sad for all those separated from their loved ones during the war. Wait... Was that the music business displaying,
FEELINGS??
5) “Blue Christmas” - Elvis - Don’t let the relaxing Hawaiian inspired chorus lull you into a comfortable state of happiness. Elvis is sad. Really sad. And while his woman is out having a white Christmas, the King is down in the dumps having a blue, blue blue blue Christmas.
4) “Christmas Card From a Hooker in Minneapolis” - Tom Waits - “I’ll be eligible for parole come Valentine’s Day.” Yep, that pretty much sums it up.
3) “Do They Know It’s Christmas” - Band Aid - Throughout childhood, there was a certain magic in the air when this song came on the radio. From the back of the family Oldsmobile Cutlass Ciera, I would anticipate this song coming on synchronized to Christmas lights waving in palm trees and big plastic santas on rooftops. Oh the shock when a decade or so later I actually listened to the lyrics! “There’s a world outside your window/ And it’s a world of dread and fear/ Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears”... ouch. “Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you.” I almost feel bad singing this at the top of my lungs!
2) “River” - Joni Mitchell - On first listen, this song sounds like Ms. Mitchell is reflecting on the breakup of a romance during the holidays, “I wish I had a river / I could skate away on.” However, in a recent
NPR Morning Edition segment, Mitchell reveals that she had polio when she was a child and as the holidays approached she was in a polio ward 100 miles away from home with doctors saying that she would never walk again. She was wishing for a river so long she “would teach my feet to fly.” Now that’s sad. The real kind.
1) “Another Lonely Christmas” - Prince - Prince (along with some massive reverb) reminisces about swimming naked with his lady love in her daddy’s pool. But then her “Daddy said it was pneumonia/ Your mother said it was stress/ But the doctor said you were dead.” Dead on Christmas!!! And now the Purple One is drinking banana daiquiris (true story) 7 years later until he goes blind. This is the saddest. Saddest song of them all. (You can find this song on
Spotify)
*** Honorable mention:
A Charlie Brown Christmas - This song sounds sad, but is actually happy. The closing monologue by
Charlie Brown expressing his sadness at Christmas garners this response from
Linus - “You’re the only person who can take a wonderful season like Christmas and turn it into a problem. Maybe Lucy is right. Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you are the Charlie Brownest.” Sounds like a real boost to the self esteem.
Merry Christmas everyone!